I Was Born To Do This

     Discernment is a continuing issue with me.  I have challenges from within and without on a regular basis.  Yet, when I pray and meditate I get my focus and my direction back.  There is a certainty to my call with which I have difficulty making sense.  I have a resistance which arises from my “common sense”.  Looking logically at my personal situation I see an old, fat, disabled, Roman Catholic woman in a Methodist seminary.  Why would I be called here?  It doesn’t make sense to me and yet there is certainty in my spirit that this is my place.  I take a step out in faith every day.  I know to humans it seems impossible and yet to God all things are possible.  Sometimes simply the difficulty and pain of getting to campus seems overwhelming and yet I have no choice and I tell myself, “Do not think about it, do it.”  It is like being driven. Often I’ve tried questioning God to make sure that I’m getting the message right. At that point, people will be sent into my life or doors will open that I could not imagine.  For someone who loves to see the end in sight I have to rest in faith and move forward without seeing.  All the years of my life before this have been God’s preparation for the next phase in my work on earth. I have a favorite quote from Joan of Arc, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.”  This expresses for me the inner knowledge of the rightness this path.  Of course, she was afraid.  So am I.  The call is greater than the fear.  

     The pursuit of my call must take place in solitude and community. Spiritual disciplines are regular workouts to strengthen and fortify my spirit.  Bonhoeffer explores the importance of community in Life Together. He writes, “The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer.”  He describes a community worshiping together and singing and working and at the Lord’s table together.  The description provides an image of the body of Christ in faith filled community.  The success of the community comes from order and discipline.  This is counterbalanced with personal times of meditation and silent prayer with God. 

     Thompson outlines practices that are useful to developing spiritual maturity.  Some of them have more appeal than others.  I like the concept of using several and finding the practices which seem to be the most effective.  Thompson’s practicality allows me the freedom to try different disciplines and not be tied to a success or failure paradigm.

     Finally, I feel that it is essential to exercise my faith and calling in the greater community.  Spiritual formation for me is not to build just a private relationship with God.  It is to fortify my spirit to bring the good news to the world.  I can say from my experience as a hospital chaplain that being an attentive presence requires a strong spirit and faith.  It requires not attempting to “fix” things.  Most of the time it requires patience and quietness and a firm faith in the love and power of God.  Words can be an impediment in many situations. 

     The examples of Dorothy Day and Martin Luther King Jr. show me the power of spreading the gospel of Christ.  I want to continue to build my spiritual arsenal so that I may use my strength and experiences to bridge the distances between God’s people.  I want to enable justice to be served and persons set free from prisons of poverty, fear and prejudice.  My common sense tells me it’s impossible and just like the nature of my call I should listen to reason and be practical.  However, I am committed to God to step forward in faith.  I am a child of God and I was born to do this.